“There’s no butter left”
“I don’t understand”
“I turned it into ghee”
“OK, thanks for clarifying”
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*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to