Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
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Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.