English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
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Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
My spirit animal is fried chicken
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.