I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
You Might Also Like
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.