[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
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My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
concern
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
thanksgiving in nutshell
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”