Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
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wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
Science memes
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.