In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
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What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4