911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
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6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper