C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
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“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
Classic German Shepherd 😂
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)