Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
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Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again