Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
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In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.