I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
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My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
I am HOWLING at this
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*