Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
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I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park