These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
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Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
Seals are just dog mermaids.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
The absolute effort that went into this omg
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”