Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
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i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
This is true.
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
Oh boy, $150,000!
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
🙂🐾
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.