No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
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hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.