Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
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After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime