Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
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My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
The USS B port
subtitles are so good nowadays