Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
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Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
I might carry a baby with one hand.
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
yeah 😭
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
Customize Your Wedding.
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.