My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
You Might Also Like
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
2022: I can fix it
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.