Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
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3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
I feel seen
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.