Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
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reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
Hot Hot Hot
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]