i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
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I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together