LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
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[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
The happy life.. 😊
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾♀️😂
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.