Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
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Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
next question.
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.