Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
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if a cop pulls u over play dead
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
Happy “Venmo Your Siblings for Flowers” Day
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.