MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
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For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower