11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
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me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
“I took care of your clown problem.”
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.