4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
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My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
jesus christ confetti not now
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in