I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
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Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.