Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
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Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
I’m going to need a moment here.
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
Erm…
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.