Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
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“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats