I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
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{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you