Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
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A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
thank god
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
🤯🤯🤯
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”