It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
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Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.