Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
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Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?