When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
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ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
Always a housemaid, never a house.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*