Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
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Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
Lmbo
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?