It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
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Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
RT if you could go either way.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
no regrets
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.