My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
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I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
Happy “Venmo Your Siblings for Flowers” Day
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello