you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
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Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.