I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
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[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
Breaking news:
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime