I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
You Might Also Like
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
me and who
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper