Brother?
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Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease