Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
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My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
be careful
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.