Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
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Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.