Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
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Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak