I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
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I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
figuring out my emotional availability:
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
Doggies just call it style.
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
You better watch out
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.