A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
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her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you