My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
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Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.